this morning i woke up with butterflies. not the romantic ones. the dutch ‘kriebels’ is a better word – it includes other types of inner excitement.
creative excitement, for example. creatiflies?
i haven’t had these flies for a while. at first i didn’t even notice that they didn’t show up ever since my last post. at a later moment i did start noticing they weren’t there, but that didn’t bring them back.
they might have been numb. at the beginning of this summer, some very-important-people in my life were hurt. very hurt. and even though this hurt didn’t directly touch me – the flies must have felt it.
i learned i need these flies to write somewhat coherently. i can always write something – and writing i did. not coming from the same place within me though. my writings were harsh and all over the place. full of anger or sadness.
i sometimes struggle with this blogging-thing. my daily life in new york is not perfect. it is a privileged, but at the same time normal life looking at the daily reality.
still, on the blog it might seem my life is existing of a range of fun & light things. i want to be ‘real’ – and my life is not only ‘fun things’. then again – nagging about little things i have no desire for, and writing about the more serious things often involves others’ privacy i do not want to violate, or is too private for me to put online. i think about how to make the blog more ‘real’ every now and then. and i haven’t found the answer yet.
still, and somehow, today i woke up earlier then normal – and they were there again. the flies. not sure why. it’s not that i was down all summer and now i saw the light again. actually – my summer also existed of many really nice moments and memories. good moments without the flies, though.
and when i wake up with them, like this morning, it is the best thing ever to be in new york city. because a little fly can go a long way here, i feel like. it is so easy to ‘do something different’ here. the city is full of little different things. and flying is easy.
i couldn’t go back to sleep, so i got out of bed, put some clothes on and went outside. i bought a coffee and read on the front of the newspaper ‘labor day approaching: the unofficial end of summer’. i felt the need to write. i felt the flies and they were alive like summer was just about to start.
i randomly took the train to the west village and walked the quiet intimate morning streets; no cars, just a person walking a dog every other corner or so. i found a breakfast place that was open, and started writing this. scrambled eggs coming up.
a feeling of being content just where i am, writing in not-my-neighborhood, on a quiet weekday morning. life is not perfect, but has little perfect moments (who said that?). and after a long summer that included sadness, but also many really beautiful and fun moments – this one was different. a moment of contentment. and a moment where writing flows (flies?). from someplace within me. a little perfect moment.
in this post some photos that picture the beautiful moments this summer – plenty of them, as you see. the hurt is not gone. it is not ‘dealt with and over’; certainly not and most of all not for the people that were directly affected. but it is also important to remember the good things.
and this morning, with the unofficial end of summer approaching and flies flying, that is just what i feel like.
*written a few days ago – typed today, from renske’s home. my family-season (aka indian summer) has started!
- cycling, yangshuo: greenness and rice terraces
hiking: endless rice terraces
characteristic chinese hotel
impressive: tiger leaping gorge
great great chinese food!
cycling: entering village near dali
cycling: marketplace near dali
spiceyest student food in chengdu
last stop in china: shanghai & julia
with oma, june 2012
turning 30 in NL with an exhausted group of the best people
familyweekend and back in zoutelande after years, with rens
beach with the most childhood memories, zoutelande
blue & green eyes re-united, amsterdam
back in new york, robert moses beach
sunset beach drinks with thiago and mariana
summer fruit on nyc markets
movies on rainy days
cleveland ohio, wedding jared
homemade blueberry pie, quebec, ile d’orleans
blueberry pie with this view…
celebrating 2 years of being married! at ville de quebec
through the carwindow, our way back from quebec
drinks at the best terrace in town, 75 street, at eveline’s
boat basin, upper west side