papa.

*written on 2 july, 2011*

this blog is a weird thing for me.  on one hand i want to write on it all the time, but then i think “is this appropriate for the internet? what if i’ll become famous[<who do i think i am??? i know it’s insane and i don’t think i’ll ever be famous -nor want to be-, but sometimes this stupid thought crosses my mind] and people google me and find this, would i want them to know this about me?”. and, at the same time, i react over-excited when my readers increase (i cannot see who is visiting my blog, but i can see the total amount of people that have visited the blog).

why do i say all this? well, i uploaded my favorite picture of my dad (papa) on my computer a couple of days ago because i wanted to save it, and realized at the same time it was almost his birthday. that’s when i started thinking about it; a blogpost about my dad. initially, i had the ‘do i want people to know about this / do i want to put attention to this’-thought. but somehow i felt like it. and i asked myself,

would he like it?

uhmm, nope.

probably not. not being a picture-of-himself-savvy person, he probably (or, i’ll just admit it, 99% most likely) wouldn’t like it.

and what about me, do i like it?

i love my papa. and i miss him. not every day, but often. not always in a deep, sad way, but still: often. i don’t talk about him that much. i can’t show him anymore that i love him, and saying it to other people isn’t always appealing to me, because no-i-don’t-want-to-talk-about-my-dad-in-a-sad-way, no i-don’t-feel-alone, and even if i don’t get that feeling when i tell people how much i still care about my dad, that in itself most often just doesn’t satisfy me. but here, on the for everyone accessible but ‘anonymous’ internet, i can say whatever i want. and today, on what should have been his 60th birthday, i feel like writing something about him.

and, in addition:

my dad didn’t like pictures of himself, but at least he liked computers and all the possibilities of the world wide web. and he always wanted me to improve my english (i wasn’t good at it at school) – and look at me now! writing in english on my computer on the w.w.w.! and it’s about you pap… ha, got ya! and you can’t do anything but love this post because i’m gonna hit ‘publish’ in a moment.

wish i could say that to your face. and much more.

like, very appropriately today, on the 2nd of july:

happy birthday pap! you’re 60 and you’re getting old, just like me!

you have to come to new york this year, you might hate it but hey, maybe you’ll love it! paul en riet loved it! we can cycle around and for once, you can ride my dutch bike… although the ones they have here look more like the ‘mountain bike’ you gave me once for my birthday, so you might prefer that. and i’ve been wanting to tell you i taught math to highschool kids, and half of the time i didn’t even know what i was doing! probably because you haven’t been bothering me with math-and-other-logic-thinking-type games in the past ten years. anyway, i’m sure you’ll have some advice that i can use. and you have to meet matt – he doesn’t have long hair like you, but at least he has a something-like-a-beard…? i think you’ll like him. he is smart and might beat you with chess though. not sure. just giving you a little warning.

(and:

even though we never used to say this to each other “because it is so overdone and we just know we do”, still, i can’t stop this post without saying:

i love you. and you were the best dad and you will be, for me. forever.)

an imaginary birthday kiss,
anne

nb. obviously, i decided to post this. as a little ode to my father for his 60th birthday. and even though i don’t talk about him often, ‘the world’ may know i think of him the way i do. sorry pap;-)!

to the zoo, summer 1986

About onebigapple

a new new yorker with a dutch accent who loves to eat (and live in) big apples. welcome!
This entry was posted in english, family, language. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to papa.

  1. Marieke says:

    Lieve Anne, ik zie jou in jouw vader (minus de baardgroei uiteraard). Wat een mooi en warm stuk, wat goed dat je dat op ‘papier’ hebt gezet. Vaders zal reuze trots op je zijn! Hou je haaks, schoonheid! x Marieke

  2. Noor says:

    Wat een lieve foto! En wat een mooie Blogpost! Ik denk dat hij al wel drie keer naar New York was geweest!
    x Noor

  3. frank van den heuvel says:

    He lieve Anne,

    On behalve of my brother I dare to say to you that: “he would have been damn proud of you, little girl”.
    And so am I!

    Dank je voor deze prachtige blog.

    Groet en een dikke kus,

    Frank

  4. Gonneke says:

    Lieve Anne,

    Groots wat je hebt gedaan! Prachtig zoals je je gevoelens weet te verwoorden. Gerrit zou supertrots op je zijn.

    Heel veel liefs,
    Gonneke

  5. sJooskie says:

    Mooie woorden lief!! Zou hij vast trots op zijn! xx

  6. rita says:

    ontroerend, heel lief! l.u. en ben trots op je, net als hij! xxx, r

  7. pietje says:

    Lieve Anne

    Prachtig, treffend en ontroerend inderdaad!!!!
    Ik kan je zeggen dat ik nog altijd trots ben dat jouw papa mijn grote broer is en natuurlijk ben ik trots dat jij ( en Renske) mijn lieve nichtjes zijn!!!!

    xxxxxx Pietje

  8. Maartje says:

    Lieve Anne,

    Wat had ik graag je vader gekend. Zo liefdevol als jij en Renske over hem spreken. En wat een mooi stuk heb je nu geschreven!

    Liefs
    Maartje

  9. Lisa says:

    Prachtig An! Dikke kus

  10. Nico says:

    Lieve Anne,

    Dankjewel voor dit blog. Fijn om jouw gevoelvolle woorden over Gerrit en zijn plaats in jouw leven te lezen. Een waardig gedenkteken voor jouw vader. En jij ten voeten uit.
    Schattige foto.
    Liefs,
    Nico

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